I don’t find these easy to update…. There is so much going on in the livejournal world that I get overwhelmed and just shut down. That or I can’t stop thinking about the ten billion things that I should be writing down… and then I get lazy and don’t say a damn thing. Hmmm…. What’s relevant? I have so much homework right now it’s unreal.

 So, a pattern is becoming evident here. I make a plan, something goes wrong, and the plan goes to hell. Special eh?

Today things really went to hell. I took my doubled dose of seraquil last night, and fucking slept through my morning photo class… and I’m motherfucking pissed off because I had homework that I worked really hard on and actually wanted critiqued, and he was going to show us how to use and external electronic flash today. I really need to know how to do that for my next assignment. Fuck.

So then I got my sorry sedated ass out of bed took my new antidepressant (couple ephedrine) with my pathetic portion of cereal, and made my way down to work for 1pm. I figured that I could get a doctor’s note and a letter from student services for my photo teacher, and just talk to him and suck it up… I’m supposed to talk to all my Profs after the first class, but I was nervous and had to go to work so I didn’t. Mistake.

So I got to work, and Haley was sick so she left when I got there. I started making pumpkins latte, after pumpkin latte(what sick person thought up pumpkin lattes?), and I started to feel really shaky and really sick. I grabbed the phone called my manager in her office and asked her to come down from her office…. As soon as she got there I ran to that bathroom and was involuntarily sick…. The sickest I have been in years, it was fucking awful.

 I grabbed some OJ and soda crackers and when back down to the store. Pam (my manager) looked at me and asked if I wanted to go home. I didn’t want to because I felt like I’d caused enough problems at work recently (my school schedule, and massive panic attack last week which is how my manager found out that I’m bipolar). She got me to go sit in cafeteria for a while… I ate two soda crackers and then got involuntarily sick again… so I went home, and slept until 7pm.

I feel like such a fucking asshole. I’m an extremely hard worker, perfectionist (in some aspects), and this is making me fuck things up.

 It’s not like I can say much to anyone who doesn’t really know me. I don’t want to constantly complain about the state of my life, because it’s not fun to be around, and it’s no ones problem but mine. I hate the stigma that surrounds mental illness. I struggle almost constantly, but it’s socially unacceptable to tell the truth when someone asks me what’s wrong. If I had any other disease I could tell the truth; I wouldn’t have to lie all the time. 

I’m so fucking sick of lying. There are people in my life that I can talk to about the bipolar, but I speak to NO ONE about the eating disorder. Ever. Some people know that I ‘had’ a problem; a select few know that I have some issues. No one knows that the eating disorder controls my life. No one knows that I’m an ephedrine junkie. I’ve let people in before, and they were left to helplessly watch as I hurt myself…. I’ve had people do that to me. No more.

Despite all the ranting… I like my life. I like my school. I’m a drama junkie. I’d rather be all these fucked up things than be boring.

 

 

 

mood: apathetic

Bad day.

Excuses first. I just stopped taking a medication for bipolar that I have been on for almost two years (lamotrigine). I didn’t really taper it, I should have…. I just skipped a lot of doses, and then when off it. My bad. The side effects got to be too much. It made me have random suicidal thoughts, my reflexes were significantly slowed (which is bad because I work at starbucks), it made me feel slow, stupid, and spacey… yeah so I had my meds changed. The problem with dropping the dose so quickly was that I was a complete mess at work this morning… my body is used to being slightly sedated, and then filled with caffeine. So I had the shakes really bad, and felt a lot less coordinated than usual…. So my supervisor let me hang out in the back for a while (we’re good friends, so he knows about the meds).

Now I’m supposed to double up my seraquil dosage and start taking an SSRI (I fucking hate SSRIs) that I have never heard of called Cipralex. My shrink chose this one because weight gain and bad reflexes are not common side effects. Good. Actually reduced appetite is one of the first listed side effects, which makes sense because increased levels of serotonin can lead to agitation which can reduce appetite. This is my attempt at looking on the bright side. Meh, at least I’m trying.

Okay, I have a lot to say, but I’m too tired to write. Today was a bad food day. Don’t want to write about it… it ended with me purging in my garbage can. That’s all anyone needs to know.

Here is tomorrow’s plan:

Bfast 7am: 2/3 cups bran buds + ½ cup soymilk = 200 cal.

Snack 1pm: Iced triple grande lactese latte = 110 cal

Lunch 3pm: Salad with lite Italian dressing on the side + fruit plate = ~ 200 cal.

Dinner: I don’t know yet… fuck. I always run into problems when I don't plan. It will either end up being a mini veggie sub, or a protein bar. I’m aiming for below 900 cals. I have class from 8:30-12:30, and then I work from 1pm until 7pm... So this is what i need to function.... well that and free espresso and ephedrine. 
 

Fuck I’m exhausted. Working and going to school fulltime is hard.

 

 

 

 

 

location: my shitty apartment music: the neighbores

So yeah, this is my first entry. I have been meaning to do this for at least a month, but I hate first entries... I always feel like I’m obligated to write my whole goddamn life story... not so. So I’m just going to do this, and some finer details about my life and me will probably leak out as time goes on. Got to start somewhere.

 

So I’m a fuck up. Always have been. Difficult child. Suicidal teenager. Apathetic adult. So here's my story, or some version of it:

 

I was sick kid, who was basically allergic to everything. I was put on a lot of fucked up diets (ex. only eat lamb and carrots for a week) by "holistic practitioners" in order to "cure" my allergies. They didn't work; just permanently fucked up my relationship with food.  I have never been able to enjoy food... there has always been some sort of catch; like that will make you fat, or you aren't allowed to have that (thanks mom... I love you too).  My parents have always used food as a way not to acknowledge my emotions; if I was upset it must have been that orange I ate (and then mother wouldn't let me eat oranges).... and as I got older they started to use food as a way to pacify me (when I got teased in junior dad would buy me fries).

 

My parents aren’t bad people; they are just very human. By the time I was born their marriage was long over... both of them suffered from depression (though my mother chose to ignore her own for years). My father worked all the time, resented my mother, and spoiled me. My mother stayed at home to take care of me because I was "sick". She resented my father, she regretted getting married, she had post partum depression, and she focused all that energy on "fixing me." Fixing me involved insane rotation diets, endless injections, acupuncture, “energy balancing”, reiki…. You name it; I’ve had it; I’ve proved it doesn’t work. I’ve got to be the one of the only victims of holistic medicine.

 

With all that said I am the typical eating disorder patient. I had a controlling mother, and a needy father. I am white middle class female in her early twenties (22). I used food (or lack there of) as a way of controlling my emotions. Textbook.

 

I am also having bipolar II disorder, which coincides nicely with the ED. When I’m up I starve, when I’m down I binge and purge. I abuse diet pills (mostly ephedrine) to trigger hypomanic episodes…. So I can feel better, eat less, and get more stuff done.

 

My highest weight was about 150 at 5’4 when I was 17, and my lowest was 110 about two years ago during a manic phase just before I lost my fucking mind and was diagnosed. I am around 122 now…. I need to get back down to 110 or lower…. ASAP.

 

This is all I can write right now. I will be recording my daily intake…. Even if no one reads it… I’ll know that they can.

 

Thanks.

 

music: my tap dripping